


Hotelstuck

by fistbunp, viotones



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Epilepsy Warning, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-23
Updated: 2013-12-23
Packaged: 2018-01-05 16:05:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,823
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1095936
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fistbunp/pseuds/fistbunp, https://archiveofourown.org/users/viotones/pseuds/viotones
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In the heart of the city of Alterniaville stands the Scratch Hotel, an establishment famous for its unique architecture, high-class clientèle and ongoing feud with the Midnight Casino on the other side of town. However, beneath its dubious exterior lie more sinister secrets, and it’s up to the guests to confront them before it’s too late.</p>
<p>DISCONTINUED</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hotelstuck

**Author's Note:**

> vio drew the things and i wrote the stuff

Your name is KARKAT VANTAS. You are a HUMAN RIGHTS LAWYER working in ALTERNIAVILLE, a city you would personally describe as being almost as FRIENDLY as it is AFFORDABLE - which is to say, NEITHER OF THOSE THINGS. In fact, you think it has probably WON AWARDS for the extent of its commitment to BEING A SHITHOLE. It is for this reason that you live slightly outside the city itself. However, for tonight and the rest of the weekend you are staying in the city centre with your MOIRAIL, who has paid you a SURPRISE VISIT, and during this time you are meeting up with an OLD FRIEND FROM UNIVERSITY. Given these circumstances, it is no surprise that you are feeling PARTICULARLY CHIPPER.

Another contributor to your REMARKABLE GOOD SPIRITS is the fact that you are currently sitting next to SAID MOIRAIL, whose company continues to bring you IMMEASURABLE JOY. You are DELIGHTED that he took it upon himself to join you.

**== >Karkat: Tell him that.**

KARKAT: HAVE I MENTIONED HOW GLAD I AM THAT YOU INSISTED ON COMING WITH ME.  
KARKAT: WITH THE INTENTION, AND I *QUOTE*, TO “UP AND MAKE SURE MY TINY ASS BRO DON’T GET MOTHERFUCKIN TROD ON”.  
KARKAT: BECAUSE YOU’RE RIGHT!! AS WELL AS BEING APPARENTLY SMALL ENOUGH TO BE TRAMPLED UNDERFOOT, I AM ACTUALLY COMPLETELY INCAPABLE OF NAVIGATING THE CITY THAT I HAVE WORKED IN FOR OVER TWO SWEEPS.  
KARKAT: THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR EMERGING FROM THE ASSCRACK OF NOWHERE AND MAKING ME CHANGE THE HOTEL BOOKING SO THAT YOU COULD COME WITH ME. I REALLY APPRECIATE THE EFFORT YOU’VE GONE TO FOR MY SAKE. YOUR COMPANIONSHIP IS MY SAVING GRACE.  
GAMZEE: AwWwWw FuCk YeAh.  
GAMZEE: I aM sTrAiGhT uP aNd FuCkIn TeLlInG yOu BrO.  
GAMZEE: fRiEnDsHiP iS tHe BeSt MoThErFuCkIn ThInG iN tHiS wHoLe BiTcHtItS uNiVeRsE wE gOt ThAt’S aLl Up AnD fUlL oF wIcKeD mYsTeRiEs.  
KARKAT: THAT WAS SARCASM.  
KARKAT: I COULD LITERALLY NOT HAVE SPOKEN IN A MORE SARCASTIC TONE.  
KARKAT: AND SERIOUSLY, I DON’T KNOW WHY YOU EVEN WANTED TO COME BUT I DON’T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAND JUST BECAUSE I’M STAYING AWAY FROM HOME FOR A COUPLE OF DAYS.  
KARKAT: I AM A SERIOUS BUSINESSMAN AND THAT MEANS NOT TOTING AROUND MY MOIRAIL AS IF THE MAGNITUDE OF MY ABILITY TO COPE WITH THE WORLD IS INVERSELY PROPORTIONATE TO THE DISTANCE BETWEEN US.  
GAMZEE: Aw BrOtHeR, dOn’T Be uP aNd WoRrYiNg AbOuT tHaT.  
GAMZEE: aIn’T aBoUt To Be InTeRfErInG wItH a MoThErFuCkIn ThInG. cHeCkIn OuT tHiS mIrAcUlOuS cItY iS wHeRe It’S uP aNd At Yo.  
GAMZEE: :o) HoNk  
KARKAT: FUCK YOU, NO. WE AGREED, NO HONKING.  
GAMZEE: SoRrY bRo :o(  
GAMZEE: SoMeTiMeS yOu JuSt GoTtA lEt It OuT, yOu KnOw?

You attempt to scowl. You are not surprised to discover that you are already scowling because this is your default expression. You settle for an irritated exhale.

**== >Karkat: Exposition please.**

Sure. It’s not like you have anything better to do.

You are currently sitting in a TAXI in ALTERNIAVILLE. You are travelling to the SCRATCH HOTEL, where you will be staying before attending a conference in the morning. Tonight, you have arranged to have dinner with an old friend of yours, a WEALTHY HEIRESS, who happens to be staying at the same hotel.

**== >Karkat: Be the wealthy heiress.**

 

Not her. The other wealthy heiress.

No! How many wealthy heiresses does one hotel need? Forget it, back to Karkat.

**== >Karkat: Exit the vehicle.**

You pay the cabbie and get out in front of the Scratch Hotel. You have no idea how this place became as popular as it is when the décor is the tackiest shit you’ve ever laid eyes on. You guess it’s supposed to have a Vegas theme or something? The design was ostensibly inspired by a foreign Lord, but you don’t really see how that could be true. You believe that even less than you believe that it was commissioned by the regent, or that it was built by leprechauns.

The reception is just as gaudy if not worse. All these flashing lights are starting to give you a headache. You approach the receptionist, a young female troll who is wearing an uncommonly enthusiastic expurression you mean expression.

KARKAT: ROOM FOR TWO, TWO NIGHTS, NAME’S VANTAS.  
NEPETA: :33< of course mister vantas!  
NEPETA: :33< you’re in room twelve on the sixth floor  
NEPETA: :33< let me just fetch your room key

She heads into the back room. You hear a polite cough behind you, and turn to find the porter. All six feet of him.

EQUIUS: D--> E%cuse me sir  
EQUIUS: D--> Do you require any help with transporting your baggage  
KARKAT: NO. THANK YOU.  
NEPETA: :33< equius! where have you b33n?  
NEPETA: :33< i looked efurrywhere for you!  
EQUIUS: D--> I was assisting Miss Megido with her bags  
EQUIUS: D--> I returned immediately after depositing them  
NEPETA: :33< that is a lie!  
EQUIUS: D--> No  
NEPETA: :33< it totally is  
EQUIUS: D--> Nepeta  
EQUIUS: D--> We will discuss this later  
EQUIUS: D--> In addition  
EQUIUS: D--> There is a man loitering outside  
EQUIUS: D--> Should I e%c100de him from the premises

 

 

 

KARKAT: HE’S WITH ME.  
EQUIUS: D--> Oh  
EQUIUS: D--> My apologies  
NEPETA: :33< anyway here’s your key!  
NEPETA: :33< enjoy your stay! if you have any problems don’t pawse to call at reception  
KARKAT: OK. THANKS.

You go back outside to retrieve Gamzee. He looks even more stoned than usual and appears to be whispering about miracles and magic. You listen closer and realise with dread that he is rapping to himself under his breath.

KARKAT: GAMZEE.

He doesn’t respond, still transfixed by the flashing lights.

KARKAT: GAMZEE, FOR THE LOVE OF FUCK, COME ON. IT’S GETTING DARK AND YOU CAN’T STARE AT THIS THING ALL NIGHT.  
GAMZEE: oH, SoRrY mY bEsT bRoThEr.  
GAMZEE: I wAs Up AnD fOlLoWiNg YoU bUt I hAd To StOp AnD sPiT sOmE rHyMeS fOr A mInUtE oN aCcOuNt Of ThIs RaInBoW jUsT fUcKiN hAnGiNg HeRe.  
GAMZEE: JuSt LoOk At ThE cOlOuRs BrO. aLl Up AnD fLaShInG, hOw WoUlD iT eVeN dO a ThInG lIkE tHaT.  
GAMZEE: AiN’t It BeAuTiFuL? :o)  
KARKAT: NO. THE FACT THAT YOUR RETINAS ARE STILL FUNCTIONAL AFTER  PROLONGED EXPOSURE TO THIS  PIECE OF SHIT IS THE REAL MIRACLE HERE.  
KARKAT: IT LOOKS LIKE IT COULD CAUSE BRAIN DAMAGE IF THE LEVEL OF MENTAL INSTABILITY REQUISITE TO *WANT* TO STARE AT IT DIDN'T RENDER THAT IMPOSSIBLE.  
KARKAT: WHAT THE SHITPISSING FUCK IS IT EVEN DOING ON THE FACADE OF A HOTEL, THIS IS THE KIND OF THING THAT TEREZI WOULD REJECT FOR BEING TOO GARISH.  
KARKAT: THAT IS A BENCHMARK SELDOM CROSSED BY MORTAL MEANS AND I WOULD LIKE TO OFFER A HEARTFELT "FUCK YOU" TO THE HAPLESS BULGEWAD WHO FELT IT WAS HIS DUTY TO MANAGE REGARDLESS.  
KARKAT: ...GAMZEE?  
GAMZEE: SoRrY bRo, I mOtHeRfUcKiN sPaCeD oUt AgAiN.  
GAMZEE: I jUsT lOoK uP aT tHiS tHiNg AnD wOoOaAaHhH.  
GAMZEE: ShIt'S sTrAiGhT uP sPiRiTuAl.  
KARKAT: JUST COME INSIDE.

You go back into the foyer, Gamzee on your heels, and head towards the elevator. The receptionist is at the counter, sketching frantically on a sheet of paper. She quickly covers it as you walk past, then resumes scribbling as soon as you pass her desk.

**== >Karkat: Contemplate giving a shit about that.**

You are tired and you have a headache and you do not care what the receptionist is doing. 

**== >Karkat: Take the lift up to your room.**

You press the lift button. Gamzee's vague smile relaxes into a grin as the light comes on, and he whispers something to himself which you identify as "MiRaClEs AlL uP iN tHiS bItCh" before the lift doors slide open.

You usher him into the lift and are just about to step in after him when somebody shouts your name. The very same somebody you are supposed to be having dinner with.

**== > Karkat: Be the wealthy heiress.**

Your name is JADE HARLEY. You are the executive director of SkaiaNET, a nuclear power company, and you are taking a weekend break in Alterniaville, in a hotel close to the theatre where a friend of yours is performing his acclaimed comedy show tomorrow night. Tonight, you are meeting with another old friend, who you happen to have just spotted.

JADE: karkat!  
KARKAT: HI JADE.  
KARKAT: PLEASE EXCUSE ME A MOMENT.

He turns back to his companion and you follow suit. John has just finished talking to the receptionist and is pocketing the key to your room, which you have just been told is number 14 on the third floor.

JOHN: oh man, i haven’t seen karkat in years.  
JOHN: is that his boyfriend? gamzee?  
JADE: yes that is gamzee  
JADE: they are moirails though, trolls don’t have boyfriends dumbass :P  
JOHN: well sorry!  
JOHN: i never even spoke to him, i just remember that he was always with karkat whenever i came to visit you at uni.  
JOHN: moirail is the diamond one right?  
JADE: yes  
JADE: you roomed with a troll at university, how do you not know this  
JADE: you could at least make some effort to learn about troll culture!  
JOHN: it’s just confusing, ok.  
KARKAT: WHAT'S TWISTING YOUR THINKSPONGE NOW, EGBERT?

JADE: uhhhh  
JADE: nothing!!!  
KARKAT: IT'S SOMETHING TO DO WITH TROLL ROMANCE, ISN'T IT.  
KARKAT: I GIVE THE FUCK UP TRYING TO EXPLAIN THE QUADRANT SYSTEM TO YOU.  
KARKAT: YOUR INABILITY TO COMPREHEND THE MOST EXCRUCIATINGLY SIMPLE OF CONCEPTS AFTER REPEATED EXPLANATION HAS TRIUMPHED. MAY I CONGRATULATE YOU ON YOUR UTTER RETARDATION.  
JOHN: hey, it's complicated!! they all have long names and the thing about pity totally doesn't make sense.  
KARKAT: HOW THE FUCK DOES IT NOT MAKE SENSE, MOIRALLEGIANCE AND MATESPRITSHIP ARE PITY-BASED QUADRANTS BECAUSE THE PARTICIPANTS HAVE TO BE SYMPATHETIC TO-  
JOHN: woah woah woah. i thought you said you'd given up explaining!  
KARKAT: YOU ARE THE MOST INFURIATING GRUBFUCKER OF A HUMAN I HAVE EVER ATTEMPTED INTELLIGENT DISCOURSE WITH.  
JOHN: but you don't actually HATE me, right?  
JOHN: that would make us... kismis...  
KARKAT: OH MY GOD. *NO.*  
JADE: ok why don't we all just stop talking about quadrants  
JADE: uh  
JADE: gamzee how have you been?  
GAMZEE: BeEn KiCkInG tHe WiCkEd ShIt Is HoW sIs, HaViNg A bItChTiTs TiMe WiTh My BeSt BrO hErE :o)  
JADE: you guys are still pale right? :o  
GAMZEE: GoT tHaT mOtHeRfUCkIn RiGhT :o)  
GAMZEE: sTiLl Up AnD pAlE aS mOoNlIgHt MiSt, AiN't ThAt ThE sWeEtEsT mIrAcLe YoU eVeR hEaRd.  
KARKAT: DON'T YOU DARE DESCRIBE OUR RELATIONSHIP USING FAYGO FLAVOURS YOU ILLITERATE FUCK  
JADE: hehehe you guys are so cute  
JADE: anyway karkat what time did you want to meet for dinner?  
KARKAT: UH  
KARKAT: SEVEN THIRTY?  
JADE: ok great!

Having drifted back towards the lift during your conversation, you press the button to call it. The doors slide open immediately, the lift having not moved since your previous call, and you file in.

**END OF CHAPTER ONE**

 


End file.
